What is Fear 5 - Ferard -final

What is Fear?
Chapter 5

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“He took me from the park when I was nine. Just grabbed me and threw me in a car. My fear wasn’t in that that man had me, but that he wouldn’t say anything. He was… silent. He locked me in a small room. After he took off the ties I found the room to have just one bed, a boarded up window, and a single tiny bathroom. And then he left me there.

“But the worst was that there was a clock with red numbers set up on the nightstand.

“Exactly an hour passed and he came back. He… he cut me, my stomach. Then he gave me some food. I refused to eat it, and he hit me. The food was drugged, and after that I fell asleep. I was in… a lot of pain and had a horrible nightmare.” I started sniffling. “It was horrible and… I won’t forget waking up in a small pool of my own blood because… there were more marks, like tally marks on my stomach. Every line was an hour.

“It… it was about a day later and he started to talk to me… he asked my name… where I lived… my age… and if I didn’t answer he would hit me again. He said… it was my own fault that I got hurt.

“I never saw that man’s face. He never gave me a name. I can’t even remember his voice. But… but I do remember… the way he felt… against me. I had been there 49 hours. I don’t know how much blood I had lost, but I… I can’t remember much.

“He was heavy. There were no drugs, but… it hurt. What he did hurt… but I couldn’t do anything... I was so weak…” I was close to sobbing again, but I held myself strong and continued. “I think I passed out… I don’t remember how, but… when I woke up, I was lying on the porch here. I… I don’t remember much after that.

“Mother took me to the hospital…and I fought against the doctors. I didn’t want them to touch me. I didn’t want Mother to touch me either… I wanted everyone to just leave me alone…

“I… I wanted to die… and… and I almost did… I almost killed myself… and I liked it.” I finally broke down crying. And as I did, Gerard wrapped his arms around my shoulders and let me cry. To my surprise… I let him hold me, and I liked it.

Our parents, more like my parents, were at a loss for words. No one said anything. No one wanted to say anything. My room was silent as death… mostly because… Mother and Father didn’t know about my suicide attempt. And no one knew that I had tried it more than once.

It didn’t take long before the other guests decided to leave. They left quietly without question, and thank god none of them decided to bother to me. When Gerard’s parents decided to leave, they talked with my parents shortly, and then posed a question to Gerard and me.

Did we want Gerard to stay with me?

I wasn’t sure, but I did know that Gerard had caused this to happen, even if I had willingly let him. In the end, I didn’t move away from him, and as a matter of fact, I let my arm fall across him. By now, I wasn’t afraid of Gerard, and I didn’t want him to leave. And I heard him say loud and clear, “Yeah, I’ll stay with him.”

Everyone left, but not after Father decided to give Gerard one final ‘look.’ Then, Gerard and me were alone, just as we were when he shattered my version of reality. It was a very delicate time in those few minutes as I slowly stopped crying. Eventually, I was just looking down at my hand, the same hand that I’ve always had all my life. My body has grown since that time, and yet it’s the same body I’ve always had. I really felt like nothing was the same, and yet nothing had changed.

My senses became heightened just then and I could feel everything around me. The folds of the bed sheets were prominent because they were somewhat tousled. I could feel the warmth coming off of Gerard as he sat next to me. I consciously moved my arm back and rested my hands in my lap. He left one arm around my shoulders and looked down at my hands as well.

I couldn’t help but lean my head against him, and for the first time I caught his scent. The initial smell was a heavy, leathery smell, reminding me of an art room. But the second smell I got was a weak, much lighter smell, much like a dead flower. I think I’ll remember that smell for the rest of my life.

There was a soft sound and Gerard placed his hand over mine, like as if to hold what was left of me together. His hand was much warmer now than when he had grabbed my arm, and he was much more gentle. “I like that feeling.” I whispered. I could almost hear him smile as he squeezed my hand gently. I smiled myself and said, “I like this.”

He placed a tender kiss on my temple and held me tighter. “This feeling is nice,” he said, “and I like being close to you.” I suddenly felt like a ton of bricks hit me full in the head. What he was doing to me right now was exactly what I had been afraid of not but a few hours ago.

But don’t think me stupid, I knew just what it was that made me afraid. And that fear will never go away, no matter how long I live, because something like being rapped never leaves you. The difference with Gerard was that I felt like I knew that he would not hurt me. I wasn’t sure, but for what he’s done, I needed to believe that there was something left of this mental wreck that I could salvage. I needed to know that he wouldn’t leave after breaking open my heart.

And he didn’t leave. He stayed with me that night and stayed in physical contact with me till I fell asleep. Even as I woke up and the past fears all fell around me, I looked straight at him, and knew that I could honestly feel safe. I could finally feel like I could be normal, admit to what‘d happened to me in the past. This one situation was the beginning of my getting better, and I could finally answer the question,

“What is it you are afraid of?”

A simple question, which would normally have a simple answer. And in my case, the answer was simple in words, but complex in meaning. With that, the effect of that fear, and the outside force to break that fear caused a great mental upheaval in my mind and has changed me forever.

In our situation, we have two boys, Gerard Way and Frank Iero. One was strong and one was weak, but in the end, they became a part of each other. Now is the end of this story, but not all stories end with “Happily ever after.”

It just so happens that this one does.